I Talk To Babies

I like talking to babies like they are normal people-not some hideously deformed race, which they are.

A few days ago I was in Ikea and there was a baby crying, sounded like he was being murdered-he wasnt. He probably crapped his pants or wanted to see some boobies, pervert. And trust me, The Ikea babies look cool when you are there but take them out of the store and they will fall apart. So this baby was crying and I told him that that was on isle 4 (not particularly clever, or funny for that matter). He didnt laugh and neither did his yuppie mother. She just gave me a look like who gave you permission to talk to my baby. Its a free country; if I want to have a conversation with a baby every now and then I should be able to, right? My father didnt fight in the civil war so that bitchy mothers could tell me that I am not allowed to talk to their babies.

Case in point number two. Last week I was in Walgreens (what can I say, I have a 6th sense for bargains. This kid was crying and I am pretty sure this little girls father wanted to punch this 5 month old in her fat toothless face, but he was wearing sox under his sandals and looked like a pussy, so he didnt. I told this little baby that this was a family establishment and that if she didnt calm down, she was going to have to leave. She complied.

Next time you see a baby that is actin a foo dont hesitate to say something. You could be saving that childs life.

USELESS PRODUCT OF THE WEEK

THE CAR ALARM

Never had I heard a car alarm go off and thought to myself “oh my goodness, someone’s car might be being broken into”. My usual thought process involves taking some sort of blunt object, usually a baseball bat or a medieval mace and making that car shut up. Is a mean thug who is willing to steal your car and commit jail time going to be afraid of loud noises? Instead of carrying pepper spray or taser guns, why don’t we just give people loud bells and whistles to scare away would be assailants, clearly the thought process works the same for car thieves. And while we are on the subject, who was the piece of work that created the actual sound that the car alarm makes. Why don’t we change that annoying, ear-drum-piercing screech, to “Caribbean Queen” by Billy Ocean so when the ford Taurus across the street decides to throw a tantrum, we can at least have a dance party.