Who are the people in your neighborhood?

I have had the last two days off from work and haven’t had anything really inspire me.

So I just decided to open my window and listen. I learned a few very important things that I firmly believe you should all be aware of.

-Tina is “ a mutherfuckin ho, who sucks dick”. Clearly, this person was not aware of the scandal that Don Imus created when he used similarly flavored language.

-The crazy nocturnal crack head that lives two doors down actual does suffer from Type I Pattern baldness, contrary to my previous belief that she suffered from Type II. Her resemblance to Golum is uncanny, yet her eye or Sauron is a large bag of methamphetamines.

-The gentleman on the corner, if placed in the necessary situation would “hold the motherfuckin’ knife out in front of me, and when that nigga came, I would stab that bitch”. An unusual fighting style to say the least.

-According to a gentleman sitting on s stoop, the price if crack has increased heavily since “back in the day”. I felt compelled to inform this individual that inflation has caused the price of many goods to rise, including gasoline, raw materials, and the constant rising cost of living. But, upon further inspection, it became clear to me that he was urinating in a coca cola bottle and attempting to eat a live pigeon.

And finally.

-The lady with the revealing windbreaker “doesn’t give a fuck about shit".

Give it a try in your neighborhood, you might lean something.

Top ten reality shows that didn’t make it.

1. One of these tumors is not like the other

1 doctor, 4 tumors, 3 benign, 1 malignant. Someone is going to get some bad news. But who is it? You’ll have to wait to the season finale to find out!

2. Walking the straight line

12 homosexuals are placed in a house and undergo rigorous Christian based “conversion therapy”. There will be some hot hook-ups this season!

3. American Idolitry

We have all heard about the golden calf, but watch these lesser known idols vie for the role of the real American Idol. We have a statue of a man from Tallahassee, Florida made out of plaster-au-Paris, a bronze muffin, a lock of Anna Nicole Smith’s hair, and a piece of toast with the profile of George Peppard, he played Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith on the A-team. You won’t want to miss this season’s episodes, especially when a particular piece of toast has a drunken sexual encounter with a particular bronzed breakfast pastry in the hot tub.

4. NAMBLA CAMP

It’s a summer camp not run by the YMCA, but by NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy-Love Association. 30 men, 300 campers. Hilarity ensues.

5. Dancing the Hora with the Stars

Burnt out celebrities and Simchas make regular appearances on this dancing show. Every Bubbie will be Kveling at this wacky show. Mazel Tov!

6. Project Driveway

Watch these ladies of the night walk the asphalt like nothing you have seen before.

7. Blind Date

1 man, 1 woman, they are both totally blind. Unfortunately this show only produced 3 episodes due to the high volume of traffic fatalities caused by the talent of this show.

8. Pimp My Wife

This one is pretty self explanatory. Still hosted by Xzibit, they still try to put a flat screen in the most imaginative places.

9. My big fat obnoxious son

Pregnant women are tricked while giving birth. Their real child is switched at birth with an obnoxious, fat child who grows up to be the most irritating slob possible. Boy, she’s in for a surprise! Plus, everyone is in on the joke except her!

10. Nantasket Beach

The trashy South Boston version of the popular show, Laguna Beach. They don’t drink wine, they drink Arbor Mist. They don’t wear Gucci, they wear Jordache. Ironically they all have the same criminal records and you still have no idea what they hell they are talking about. Though on Nantasket Beach, they don’t get thrown out of clubs, they get thrown out of The Ground Round for throwing popcorn and blowing construction workers in the bathroom.

Catch phrase of the week

When in doubt, hug it out.

The Greatest Lie of the 20th Century

Ladies. Ehem. Ladies! You are all very smart. Very smart in fact. That’s why I know that this will come as a complete surprise to most of you.

You have all been lied to.

Four women at different stages of singledom; at different stages of life. They are certainly funny. They love to shop and get into some serious trouble, but everything is always ends up being ok, glazed with the proper mix of humor and philosophy. And the men, there are sooooo many, it’s hard to keep track.

I am talking about the ever-so-popular Sex and the City, Right?

Wrong!

I am talking about the one, the only, Golden Girls!

I’ll let this soak in for a second.

Yeah, it hurts. The big wig television execs have pulled a fast one on all of us. I am just as much of a fan of both shows as any heterosexual male. I knew Carrie and Aidan weren't supposed be together, he was too good for her. And Carrie just can’t deal with emotionally available men. And I also knew that Charlotte is too classy to be the “up the butt girl”.

See, I know what I am talking about. I feel your pain.

Let’s break it down.

Rose is Charlotte

This one isn’t that much of a stretch. They are both a little ditzy and very naive. Ok, they aren’t the sharpest tool in the shed. But don’t let that fool you; they come through in the clutch. They are both very sensitive, and can get a little freaky in bed. It’s true. Trust me, I know from experience. No? Well, a buddy of mine, him and her, they go it on! Not working for you? Well, imagine if Rose got freaky in the sack. That would be sweet.

Sophia is Miranda

One is Italian, the other is Irish. Either way, they are both hideous to look at. They are strong women who are more cynical than Presidential candidate Al Goldstein (see previous post). They are two sarcastic, fugly ladies with very rough exteriors. Need I say more?

Blanch Devereau is Samantha

This is the easiest and most glaringly obvious paring.

They are both whores. Ok, sexually liberated. They both have had countless gentlemen callers and are more than willing to flaunt their “prowess” to the three other women in their lives.

Don’t worry; I’ve saved the best for last.

Dorothy is Carrie

They are the protagonists in the story of life (insert farting noise here). Carrie has Mr. Big, Dorothy has Stanley Zbornak. Dorothy and Carrie are both the glue that often holds their friends together, a Mecca of neutrality for their respective cliques while fixing disputes without taking sides.

They both love shoes. Dorothy happens to love the orthopedic, Velcro variety, which has yet to be designed by Manolo Blahnik.

They are both house-proud; Carrie’s one-bedroom in the upper east side vs. The Golden palace in South Florida. Carrie’s sanctuary is in her apartment dressed in PJ’s with her life partner, her laptop. Dorothy loves to spend time on the couch draped in her bathrobe (hot) with her life mate, her mother, Sophia. I am also pretty sure they both have penises.

I’m sorry if I ruined it. But, at least we won’t be living a lie anymore.

I swear, I'm not crazy!

My entire life I have been haunted by a talking Israeli porcupine. That’s right. You heard me correctly. I said it. An Israeli porcupine that speaks. He often makes cameo appearances in my dreams. Whenever I dared mention this I was dismissed a "meshugina" or crazy. But I knew I wasn’t crazy, I knew what I saw. Oh, did I mention these dreams are usually set to weird disco music?

I could never place my finger on where it was from, but it was realer than the time I remember flying down my stairs, which actually did happen. But that’s not for here.

Well apparently I’m not crazy, ‘cause I found that talking Israeli porcupine on youtube, and apparently he's friends with Sarah Jessica Parker. Weird.

An open letter to my landlord

Dear Mrs. Hong,

First off I want to say that you are a very, very sweet old woman and I can tell, you always mean well. I don’t mind that the only two words you speak in English are “nice day”, and your son’s name, “Thomas”. I think it’s cute and you always have a huge smile on your face. With that said there are a few things I would like to address.

First off, I would like to address a little game you play every night at exactly 11:15 p.m. Now I am not sure what the official title of this game is but I have started to call it “Furniture Tetris”. I really don’t think it is absolutely necessary to rearrange EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF FURNITURE IN YOUR APARTMENT every single night of the week. Considering the fact that your living room is directly above our bedroom, I have often feared that your 3 ton grand piano which you apparently own, will fall directly on my wife and I as we are watching the bonus features of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

You keep a very clean apartment building and I give kudos to you for that. But the eerie children’s shoe that could easily be a hundred years old that you use as a makeshift door stopper in the laundry room is just the creepiest fucking thing in the world. Seriously, I imagine that that child was horribly maimed in a washing machine accident and haunts our building late at night coughing up phlegm. Oh wait, that’s just you. Once is ok. Twice is still fine. But after and hour and a half of you hucking loogies, I want to shove my head in an elephants ass, as they are very quiet creatures and I imagine their rectal cavity follows suit.

However you are a slave to consistency. I can always count that when I am literally about to fall asleep, you and your son will get in the loudest argument possible.

Every time.

Without fail.

I like to call it the “Ruble in the Jungle”. And by “Jungle”, I mean the hallway. And by “Rumble”, I mean yell at each other in Cantonese.

With that said, I would like to humbly thank you for over charging our rent and not letting us park in the completely empty, totally unused, three car garage.

Sincerely,

Joel Dovev Apartment #1

P.S. I know my wife has long hair, and ironically so does she. You don’t need to point it out every time we see one another. Just FYI.

I’m A Baldwin Too!

I have compiled a list of some of the lesser known Baldwin kin, and their special powers/biographies.

Name: Melissa Joan-Hart-Baldwin

Superpower: She is a witch and the only girl whose second floor window you can break into without having her calling the cops.

Weakness: Name Hyphenation. C’mon, make a decision.

Bio: She is the Youngest Baldwin and keeps in touch with Alec the most, as Stephen doesn’t believe in witchcraft or sorcery.






Name: 50 Cent Baldwin

Superpower: Bullet Proof

Weakness: White Bitches.

Bio: 50 cent Baldwin came to be when Mama Baldwin got it on with a mystery member of Earth Wind and Fire at the second-night Passover Seder party held at Studio 54 in 1979. His inane sense of fashion and killer dance moves places him at the head of the Baldwin pack, though he did concede a game of limbo to Billy, a fact that Billy constantly brags about at family gatherings.




Name: Britney Spears Baldwin

Superpower: She can do more blow in one sitting than Daniel Baldwin.

Weakness: Has flashed her dick in public more that Stephen Baldwin.

Bio: Was originally disregarded at the Baldwin with Down syndrome. She was originally cast as Benicio Del Toro’s role in the usual suspects, but Stephen didn’t want his little sis hanging around the set and trying to have children with Kaiser Soze, a fact that would have brought great shame upon the Baldwin Klan.





Name: Stephen Hawking Baldwin

Super Power: Only Baldwin who consistently brings it home while playing in the Annual Baldwin family Boggle Tournament.

Weakness: Stairs.

Bio: Is the other half that makes up the magical entity that is known as Stephen Baldwin. Little known fact about Stephen Hawking Baldwin, he can freestyle much better than 50 Cent Baldwin though his efforts for a solo career have been generally panned by critics due to his consistently week beats.